Still waiting

It's been a while since I updated... partially because my computer died and partially because the process of waiting is just so long. There is a lot I wwant to say, but due to time, just a few important updates. Finished the formal app and sent it off.... the nice computer died right when I was trying to finish it and I had to borrow a computer. However, it is finished and sent off. We MIGHT have a baby bed... I say might because the girl I was getting it from said there was a recall on it she thinks and is checking it out. I hope that works out.  Finally heard something yesterday from the agency. We have nothing for certain yet, but they emailed to ask if when we said biracial were we including african american.... I am taking this as a positive affirmation because if things didn't look goood why would they ask that? I'm hoping this means we will be accepted, however I refuse to think we are can't count any chickens that haven't hatched yet. So for now we keep praying and cross our fingers. Hopefully soon we'll know what happens.

Proposition 26- Life begins at Conception

My state is in a turmoil. In just 4 short days... we will be at the polls voting for a first in the U.S. (Yeah suprising MS is on the forefront for once!) the personhood ammendment defining a person as beginning at the moment of conception. Wow! So I did my research tonight. Before I get into it.. let me go on and say I am anti-abortion and 100% pro-life. Now that being said, I wasn't sure whether I could vote for initiative 26 or not. I had been hearing that it would bann controceptives, ivf, and life-saving measures if the mother's life was endangered. Then there was the horribly, nasty rumor that miscarriage could be prosecuted. So I did my research. I went to http://www.yeson26.net/ and to http://www.heartchanger.com/ and boy did I find some disturbing things. So let's set the facts straight. No, it will not bann prohibitive measures of getting pregnant... just won't let you abort afterwards. No it won't keep you from having IVF... this was a big hang up for me. As woman who wants to have a baby sooooooo bad that though we chose not to go through IVF I didn't want to take that option from others. It will however keep you from destroying embryos, which was a big reason that we chose not to have IVF. I couldn't destroy my child, or adopt them out...and when the implantation rate is only 40% to me... in my opinion... I was giving my baby a bigger chance to fail and I just couldn't do that. Once again, that was our opinion. And finally, no if both lives can't be saved then the doctor can save the life of the mother.

Now all that being said. My mom found out tonight that I was a little wobbly on my decision. I was coming to it...but I was still in the research mode and well let's just say she wasn't happy... she was terrified. I didn't understand it.. I thought she should be proud that I research for myself and not just believe what others tell me. Well, by the time we were done she was. She kept saying abortion and abortion...and well I had to tell her from my point of view and here it is:

I can't have children... so in all honesty abortion ticks me off. I'd give my left arm (only because I'm right handed and need my right arm to care for a child) to have a baby. I want one so bad and I can't have one. Through reasons I can not control I can't have a child. And millions are killed every day because they are "unwanted". Well, you know what you have a choice... 2 of them the way I see it. 1) Don't get pregnant. Practice abstinence or take the pill and preven pregnancy from happening. 2) Adoption. Give the chance to someone who would love to be a parent but for reasons beyond their control can't the chance to have a child. It's not the child's fault. I've been dealing with people saying but what if it's rape or incest... well I guess being infertile I see it differently. That may very well be the way that I get a child. That may be the avenue in which I become a mother. Sorry the child did no wrong. And though I know for 9 months it's a daily reminder do you really think that once you abort it's over? I hear that it's actually worse. That with abortion people never get over it. And there are people who consider abortion better for the child than adoption! Really! Are you kidding me!?!? It's easier to abort??? That adoption is "giving away" your child. Abortion is killing him/her!!! Really! Some of the stories on heartchanger are very contradictive. You value life... but abortion is ok? Seriously! Give the chance to someone else who wants to be a parent. You know maybe the economy is hurting for a reason. Maybe we should really consider this.

The age old argument is that it's just fetal tissue until so many months/weeks etc. Well, by the time most women know they are pregnant guess what? The baby looks like a baby. When it's "cells" you don't know you are pregnant. I'm sorry... but there is no way you can know that quickly. You were given a right to life... why not give it to the child. No I don't believe in choices. Yes you have one... not to get pregnant or to give the baby in adoption.... but the baby has a right to life. As Dr. Seuss said... "A person is a person no matter how small!"

For all the women who would love to have a baby of their own... for all those who struggle with concieving.. I'm sorry as one of those I cannot condone abortion. Not even in sad conditions. It's not the baby's fault.

It's so hard to feel like your nesting but you can't buy anything cause you don't know gender or when. Shopping and found a decent deal on cribsets. Ugh!

Moving Forward!!!!!!

So the first information meeting was today and it went really well. About 10 couples were there. Such a bigger group than normal that we had to meet at a local college versus the agency office. Got a lot of good information. A lot of questions were answered. Some fears were taken care of. Some fears were made. But overall it was really good. We found out we have a good say in what we want and how much openness and things of that nature that we are willing to have. It feels better to have a little bit of control (at least to a control freak like me).

So we are moving forward. Plan to get in our paperwork ASAP so that we can get started on our formal application online. (There are some things they have to recieve first.) The wait for a homestudy for domestic adoption is about 3 months... just to start! Then another 3 or so months for approval. That's because more people go with domestic adoptions so the social workers are more stretched out. And they go by when your application goes in... so we definitely want to do that as soon as we can. The earlier on the list the better for us!!!! Of course if we are willing to travel a little farther we may can move faster. This is due to being in the metro area and if we travel to a different branch they may not have as many families as in the metro area. So that's something to definitely consider. After 2 years of waiting... and 1-3 years of waiting AFTER approval I'm not really up for waiting any longer than I have to! Ready to get going. And people think it's hard to wait the 9 months of pregnancy.....

So here's our steps for those of you that are curious......
1) pre-application... DONE!!!!!
2) information meeting DONE!!!!
3) formal application
4) meeting with social worker as a couple
5) individual meeting with social worker
6) home visit
7) pre-paration of profile (will probably start duing homestudy process)
8) after approval the WAIT begins. 1-3 years is the average.
9) Begin setting up nursery and keep homestudy current along with fundraising and saving money during the wait. (Homestudy has to be updated yearly.)

So current prayer concerns...
1) that my busy and procrastinating self will get paperwork done quickly.
2) that my very impatient self won't go crazy during this extensive wait (on top of an already long wait).
3) that mine and hubby's relationship will get stronger through this
4) that we will be accepted and pass the homestudy
5) for the birthmother who will have to make a very difficult and painful decision
6) that we would find the child that God has for us to parent
7) that we are diligent in saving money and that God will provide for all of our needs

On a funny note... got introduced to what parenthood is like with 3 kids. Kept our preacher's kids last night. He's off at OTS with the Air Guard as a chaplain and his wife needed to get some things done. I unfortunately AGAIN got stuck with writing a lesson plan that I wasn't supposed to. Plus hubby got a migraine...awesome. So I let them play while I'm trying to get the lesson plan done... but before I could finish I had to start the oldest on homework... NOT fun. He didn't want to do it and yeah it was a fight to complete. Got supper ready for kids... finally got homework complete. Start baths (told her I'd give them so it wasn't a rush for her to be back she had other errands) and I walk into the den... I'm making a Christmas present...and the 4 year old has grabbed the paint and squirted it all over it. (I was up front getting the oldest done with homework and hubby had had to lay down. I almost sprouted horns. It was not pretty in my house for a minute. So I sat him on the couch while I cooled off. But he was really sweet and appologized profusely! I don't think he knew what to do with me that upset. I can fix it it was just the aggravation of it. Now I had to repaint the base and start over. That'll teach me to lay the paint out. On the upside at least it wasn't the furniture or the floor or something. My mom got a kick out of it. She's enjoying my payback.

And yeah... we are STILL moving forward after all of that!

love this

http://youtu.be/V4nFFGCbR18so

Yeah I so feel that way.

Adoption meeting is in less than two weeks. I'm nervous as heck... especially when all around me are birth and pregnancy anouncements and ultra sound pics. Picked out a crib and changing table. Didn't buy it... just picked one out. And got told by my f-i-l that I was putting the cart before the horse. You know... we don't all have oops... or have it easy. Gives me something to do to bide my time while I wait that makes it feel useful. Loving these birds and bees videos. I'll be posting more later. When you are there, it's nice to have a reason to laugh and to lighten the mood. Especially when you can truly say somedays "I hate her uterus!"

feeling misunderstood and not very accepting

Yeah my tag under my blog name says grace and acceptance... I haven't felt very graceful or accepting for the past few days.

Yesterday went to a birthday party for my Pastor's soon to be 4 yr old. The same one who melts my heart when we keep him. Who I could just snatch up and adopt. The same one who told me last week he wanted me and hubby to be his new mommy and daddy. That one. Yeah. Of course the meltdowns due to not having much of a nap helped... But yeah not exactly easy. Then in the midst of this I get to hear it said how hard it is to be a full time parent and there is debate over this... but I swear I heard "Sometimes I wish I wasn't a full time parent" Maybe that wasn't verbatim and just how it felt and as my mom said I tend to be extra sensitive... it's possible... but regardless of which statement was said it hurt... and then when I said something I'm told oh just wait you have much passion but no experience. Do you know what I'd give for experience???? I'd give my eye teeth! Seriously!?!?!? And it was pretty much laughed off as a just you wait until you are there... So not appropriate. Which then leads me to think that if I ever did get stressed I better keep my big mouth shut so it's not rubbed in my face.

Sometimes I wish people would think about what they say in front of me. Yeah maybe I am sensitive. You know what? In my case, I'd think that'd be understandable. But it's not. Such a double standard. I'm expected to be thrilled and happy for others. I'm expected to take remarks that are inappropriate regardless of how they are meant and accept them even when they hurt. I'm expected to fake like I'm excited for others and never show the pain in my heart. And I'm expected not to share my hurt with others. Really? I'm not wonderwoman. Maybe I should buy a cape and some spandex and it'd at least make me feel better. But yeah that's a scary thought in and of itself.

Then today I figure out that a girl I have known literally since she was born is pregnant. And now a girl that I work with. Yeah. Not doing so hot right now. It's not that I'm not happy for them... it's that I hurt so much I don't know how to be happy right now. It a not so gentle reminder of what I cannot experience. Today is one of those days I wonder why I can't just delete my FB account... but no I'm too addicted. So now more friends to see pics of baby bumps and read posts about morning sickness and such. And because I really do care about my friends and am happy for them and in ways I feel like a glutton for punishment and sadistic I will read them, and look at all the pics, and say all the right things and in ways make it worse for myself.

Is it really wrong to be jealous? There have been some comments made on some of the infertility groups about being bitter and envious... but is it really that wrong? I want nothing more than to be a mommy... and I can't have that. I don't get to make the I'm pregnant announcement or any of that. How do people expect that not to hurt? It's at the heart of most people... and I'm denied a basic right of life! It SUCKS! There are no other words for it.

So today took furniture to my brother and while I was at my mom's... we get into a discussion of all this. And of it all one of the main was the adoption. My brother as well as some other people are not thrilled at our decision to open the adoption to include bi-racial. Yeah I hate to say that.. but it's how it is. And I understand their concerns that they are "looking out for us" and that we live in a highly racially motivated state and what will come with it. I know what friends with bi-racial kids go through. We have thought this through. I'm not one to go into something without analyzing it to death anyway. How does my family forget that? It's one of the things that drives them crazy! I know that living in the deep south will not make it easy. I also know that if it's where God leads then He will work it out. I also know that those children need a home just as much as any other child. I don't know where God is leading us right now... and I am scared to death. Scared that we won't get accepted. Scared we won't make the right decision. Scared that I won't make a good parent. Scared that we will never have our own. Scared that someone isn't gonna like our decisions.

Yes, I admitted it to my mother. I AM A CONTROL FREAK! Not about everything... not about other people... but I plan my life out in advance. I get upset if it doesn't go according to plan. I like to have control over my life. And this kills me. I have no control. Not even a smidge. Someone else tells me how much money to have in the bank, what shape my house has to be in, and a lot of other details of my life. Someone else decides if we are acceptable to be parents. And someone else decides whether or not to give us a child. I am literally at several people's mercy. I can do nothing about it. And I am scared that I will fall short.

I don't have what some people have to give. Mom kept saying God is in control and he can provide and do miracles and such and such. Yes He can. But just because He can doesn't mean He will. He could wipe my debt out so it's not a problem. Doesn't mean he's gonna. Heck, he could heal our problems so we have a baby.... doesn't mean He's gonna. I get tired of hearing that from her. It's like it's her fall back on everything. Ashley, you don't trust enough... God still makes miracles. He sure does.... but I don't see any promises that He will perform miracles.

Maybe I'm not trusting. Maybe I am being controlling and need to give it up... she kept saying turn it over turn it over... giving it over isn't the problem... I can let go.. it's the not picking it back up that is a struggle! I feel like she doesn't understand. heck I don't feel like anyone understands right now. I'm not a hundred percent sure that hubby does. He doesn't understand why I hurt the way I do. He doesn't understand why I think some of the things I do about this all. I feel so stinking misunderstood and so stinking alone. Sometimes it feels like I can't do anything right. yeah I know... heard that today too... don't worry about what everyone else thinks... you're making yourself sick over it. Right before and after and between being questioned on whether I had thought all this through. Before Fetal Alcohol Syndrome was brought up. Really do ya'll not know me... I don't even order dinner without rationalizing it till it's dead... do you think I'd make a decision this big without thinking it through? And then they wonder why I worry about what others think. And they wonder why I am scared freaking to death.

When what I really need is not to be questioned...but for support. At least from my family. I get enough of the other from everyone else. And if this is the road we choose I will definitely be dealing with a huge lack of support. I need it from them. Maybe it wouldn't be so hard in the mean time. Always in the back of my mind. Maybe I wouldn't feel the constant need to defend my decisions.

I just hate that they act like I haven't prayed about this. ThatI don't trust God in this. That I haven't thought about this. Any of it. And people wonder why I freaked out and decided to go to the RE when I did. Hmmmmm.

Don't get me wrong.. I love my family. And I think when it's all said and done they will be accepting. And maybe if I quit feeling the need to talk about my decision  which is unfortunately how I process things... by talking (if that isn't obvious by this very long blog), maybe they will realize that I really feel like this is the path God is leading us on. I don't know why. And He hasn't felt the need to share that with me. But as I told hubby... I feel like we are on the path to being a "blended" family. We both want to go international at some point. It just seems that we aren't meant to be "traditional".

Speaking of the RE. We were supposed to go back for more testing this month. Decided not too. Can't handle more bad news. Don't want my hopes dashed... not that I think they can get much lower. Don't want to waste money that is needed for the adoption. Figure at this point it's gonna take a miracle and so if that's the case it's just gonna have to happen...not paying the dr that much money to tell me that.

So yeah... now that I ranted and realized just how hurt I was when I began typing and it was worse than I thought...maybe now I can go to sleep.

(PS for the 2 family members that follow... I really do love the family... just been a really hard day emotionally)

this is the hard part

Waiting.. just waiting. Can't go forward yet. Not to much to do except wait. And not spend money... which is getting old  because we can't do anything! Still apprehensive on whether or not they will accept us. Worried about our debt. We shall see we shall see. So it's just the waiting part.

Talked to the insurance guy today. Got ill with him bad. I started to be rude. Sometimes life just seems so unbalanced and fair. Hubby couldn't get insurance because of his weight. Lost the weight now he can't get insurance because he was denied earlier for his weight. Ugh! Then I found out (which I figured) that my disability leave will not cover an adoption. I understand I'm not sick...but I still have to take a maternity leave. I can't help I can't get pregnant. I upped it just for that reason. Why am I paying you 55 bucks a month if you won't let me use it when I need to. UGHHHH. Yeah I got snippy over it. Can't help I can't get pregnant you know... if I could... well I would already have a baby and maybe another on the way. Why is it so much harder to adopt????

a new one to the list

So I've talked about the things that fertile people say to infertile people that hurts or wounds albeit it unintentionally. I have found a new one. Sitting at my preachers house last night watching his 3 kids and another one and one got in trouble for hitting... and he looks at me smiles and says just wait. Does it all the time. "Just Wait.... one day it will be you". Yeah I hope so! It's said in a "One day you will wait and see" type of way that feels like "You may wish you didn't wish for this", although I don't think it's meant that way. Yeah right now I'd love that. Because with the discipline and trouble that comes you also get the snuggles and "I love you" that I'd give my right arm for. Is it gonna be all roses and awesome all the time? Of course not... but I feel like the good outweighs the bad. Heck I've been waiting for over 2 years... 26 months to the day to be exact. And I have another 2 good years ahead of me. And people think waiting for 9 months is rough! If they only knew!!!!! Right now I don't think I'd complain over morning sickness, or not sleeping, or even an occasional temper tantrum. I don't think I'd ever appreciate those things however if I hadn't gone through this. So yeah... I can't wait... one day... hopefully.

I thought time made it better

but it doesn't. Been a depressing few days. We went to the cemetery last week for the first time and it hurt to say the least. Things just seem off kilter. I would think that since it's been a month it wouldn't hurt as bad but in reality it hurts worse. How can that be? I think the finality of everything has set in. When it happened, we were just relieved that she wasn't suffering, but now the finality is setting is. I can't explain in words how much I miss my grandmother. Mom was telling me the other day about my 1 yr old nephew pointing to her picture. He knew who she was and they really enjoyed each other and he points to her even now...and I just broke down. Knowing that my child will never know her sucks. There is no other word for it. It sucks so bad knowing that we've been trying for 2 yrs and were getting ready to start adoption when we decided to take a step back and talk to the fertility doctor.... and now... well now she's not here and it sucks. It makes it all so bittersweet.

I can't explain how much it hurts... and you don't know how to tell anyone that you are really struggling. My poor husband.. he keeps catching the tears. He sees when it is beyond hard. When I walk by the jewlry box she left me and break down. When I see her picture at our wedding and fall apart. I know she is better off... I just miss her so much. I guess with the month approaching us that is what is making it worse. Everytime something is mentioned to do with my nephew or her and babies it just makes it hurt so much more. I prayed that she'd make it to see our child... until I realized she was just suffering and knew it was better for her to go home... I just hope one day it won't hurt so bad. I know I will always miss her.. but this really hurts.

The journey of 1000 miles begins with one step

And step one has been taken and approved!!!!! Cannot begin to say how estatic we are to hear that our pre-app was approved and we go to step 2. Step three is the step I am afraid of but it's nice to have made the first one! I think it's just a relief to finally be started. Step two is an info meeting and the next one is in Oct... so we have a few months to wait. Gonna work on building the savings and diminishing the debt. So basically if it can't be lived without we buy it.. if so we don't. But gonna work on that. Then it's on to the BIG application the formal one. That's the one I'm scared of. Honestly more scared of it than the homestudy! I know, kinda weird. Anyway... it's nice to know we made step one!!!!! Our journey has begun.

The pre-app is done!!!!

Wohoo! Finally the adoption pre-app is done. Well the actual pre-application was done a week ago. This is the testimony, statement of faith that goes with it. It sounds bad but getting it done was hard. Mainly because it was very stressful emotionally and just making yourself set aside time to do so. So hopefully we will know something within two weeks! Now it's time to pray, pray, and pray some more that we are accepted!

My dad told me when I got married..."Ashley, you used to never spend money. You saved everything. What's up now? You don't want a car! You NEED a car! Save some of the money from the wedding for a car." Well daddy would be proud. My cheapskate-ness has come back. Big time. Nothing like saving for an adoption to make you a tightwad. I don't wanna spend nothing. Getting stuff for the start back to school last night and had to get a belt and didn't wanna spend so much money... tried to put the belt back and Jimmy went... some things can't be helped.. you HAVE to have one! I don't want to spend more than I have to. Went back to school shopping on the tax free days and I wouldn't by ANYTHING that wasn't 70% off or more. I bought over 200 dollars worth of clothing for 60. Yeah it's back in a major way. I want to save every penny we have for it.

Which makes me stress. I stress about the money I spend, or the money I need to spend, I stress over whether or not we will even make it through the application process. Will we be chosen. Will I be a good mother? Yeah I have been stressing bad. Then I stressed because I forgot that I had Sunday School and wasn't ready. And boy does God put things right in front of us when we need it. The Sunday School lesson was on how Jesus came to earth as a baby and grew up and that though He was God... he was also man. He needed the same things we need and dealt with the same temptations that we deal with. I know God understands my pain, but sometimes I forget that although He is diving and perfect, He really has been there. He came to earth for that very reason, to be the perfect judge because He has been tempted. Even He in the Garden of Gethsemane asked God to remove the cup from Him. But then He followed up with "Not My will but Thine be done." I think a lot of times we see God as the perfect Human. God with the body of a man. Not as someone who cried the same tears we do. Who asked God to change our circumstances. But as Louie Giglio says..."The cross is not proof that God will change the circumstances, He didn't change them for Jesus on Calvary. The cross is proof that God will see us THROUGH the circumstances." Oh thank God for the cross and to know I'm not walking this alone.

so freaking out

So yeah I should be in the bed. Once again I am not gonna wanna wake up in the morning. However, I know that are pre-app with the agency really needs to be complete so I can send it off and I really wanna get my testimony done. Well not done, but done enough that I can edit tomorrow. It is soooo stressing me out. So much rides on this. I can not explain. I may have the gift of gab, but expressing my feelings and thoughts coherently when it's late and I'm terrified that what I write will not be recieved correctly and all my dreams ride on it... yeah it's a little stressful! Ok, no it's a lotta stressful. I'm gonna have to get on hubby and make him finish his. I would say I don't know why he hasn't, but he's probably stressing a bit over it too. Not much, stressing is generally my job. But, I'm gonna have to make him write it because it's a big part of the pre-app and it won't be accepted till we get it in. So I guess I need to write it. I just feel like it's all jumbled and not making sense, but then I'm not making sense now so I guess it would stand to reason. Ugh. I'm going in circles. Maybe I should make myself go to bed and PROMISE myself that I WILL complete it tomorrow.

I Would Die For That

I've been in a funk... a major funk. And because of that I am snippy as in PMS snippy just without the PMS. You know I used to fancy myself one of those lucky girls... I had awesome periods.. 2 days and DONE! Sweet... now I realize what no one was smart enough to realize it was the sign to the problem maybe not so awesome after all. So yeah since Sunday in a funk. They come around quite often. Particularly when you feel misunderstood or when 500 FB posts pop up of births and people expecting. And ironically... both have been happening. I have begun to think FB is evil and was made to torture me and remind me what I don't have. But oh well, I'm not stopping using it because I like keeping contact with my friends. It's rough when you feel misunderstood when no one seems to understand. I've found some fb communities though that are for infertiles or people who know infertiles and that helps. It's nice to have a support group. Fixing to find me some adoption groups.



On to the good news.... Got the adoption pre-app sent off!!!! Yay! Got a few more things that go with it but have to be mailed versuses online so not completely finished but at least started. Now praying that we aren't rejected. I know everyone says oh you'll be such great parents...no need to worry... but when your fate lies in the hands of someone else or several people as is our case yeah how can you not worry? Gotta finish my testimony which is no light testimony so that's gonna take a bit. Been difficult with the fact that I have been in such a funk. I didn't want to do anything... kept bogging down afraid I wouldn't say what they wanted to hear. It's sooooo stinking stressful. And people think adoption is the cure all.. yes hopefully we will become parents and that is the end not just being pregnant but the fact that your fate is in someone else's hands is soooo stressful. So fixing to work on our profile which people are like that's all you think of... well if you knew that your one chance to be a mom was in your chance to show people why you'd be a great parent to their child and them selecting you...well it'd be all you thought of too. It's interesting no one tells pregnant women that all they talk about is being pregnant... but on the flip side if you are adopting they forget that it is our pregnancy and a much longer one than 9 months (so please stop complaining about your wait!) so yes it is the forefront of my mind.

I'll know something within two weeks... so I sit on pins and needles till then.

Double Standards

Yeah so I'm at a low point today. Go figure... They come around often. Yesterday I came across this FB status that I HAD to copy. HAD to. It was funny and I figured I'll never make a pregnancy announcement and have to read everyone elses so Why not? Make a little fun at myself and go on with life. Here was the status...

 "WE ARE EXPECTING! !!!! I know, I know really cant believe it, pretty crazy isn't it?? I really don't want to believe it myself. I wasn't going to put it on here, because it will be obvious soon enough, but thought I needed to make it official. So now you know, its official. We are EXPECTING another hot day today! Wait! What did you think I meant?? LOL! Hahahaha GOTCHA!!!!!!"

Yeah... so not recieved well... My sis thought it was hilarious (I knew I loved you for a reason) Two friends thought it was a great joke and were glad I could joke about it.... but Yeah I've been called cruel and mean and told that it was JUST Wrong! Why? Other people make fun of my infertility... per say. I get inappropriate comments all the time. When ya'll gonna have one? Well, at least you tried fertility treatments! Here have my kids... hahahaha. Keep mine it's good birth control you'll change your mind... hahaahaha. Relax and it'll happen... when God wants you to have one you will... When you get approved for the adoption....

But I can't have fun with it? I feel like If I have to read 500 different statuses about pregnancy and baby pictures and such not per a month... why shouldn't I get to have a little fun with a status of my own?

Which by the way...I had to read another one today by someone who has been married for less time than we've been trying. I think that FB is there to torture me... to remind me of what I can't have. The world is out there to torture and remind infertiles what we can't have. People don't understand what I feel or go through and most don't care to try... however I'm supposed to put on my happy face and congratulate you. There was a dear Abby post about someone thinking it not right that a couple was thinking of having a benefit to fund their adoption...called it a choice! I do not choose to be infertile!!!! It's not like it's an active decision. I understand if you live paycheck to pay check and don't or can't contribute... but don't judge me for wanting a family. No one thinks twice about sending you a baby shower invite and you having to spend your hard earned saving for adoption/infertlity money for their baby gift...but shame on you for asking for a little help to get what you want/need.

Ugh.. the double standards we live in.

Home Sweet Home

So the name has a double entrede this week. My grandmother is now home with Jesus. It has been a long and emotionally tiring week. On Monday at 12:02 she finally breathed her last breath and went peacefully home to Glory. As much as I miss her, I am so glad that she is in Heaven and resting peacefully, no longer suffering. This week we have literally been "On Eagle's Wings" as we have been lifted up in prayer by people we didn't even know, recieved lots of thoughts and prayers, and the presence of many people to support us during our loss. We rejoice that she is in the presence of our Savior and that she suffers from pain no more. We will be eternally grateful to the nurses at the Hospice and to the friends and family who have been there for us.

We came home today. My mom was doing better than expected so we decided to come home. Trying to get at least a sense of normalcy back, but my body is still in decompress mode so we didn't do much today. It's taking all I have to even cook supper. Tomorrow I have to go get my classroom started and eventually done... so back to life it is. Hopefully this weekend we can get the application finished, as painful as it will be since I know that my grandmother will never see my child. It really hurts after trying for 2 years and nothing and now I know she will never meet them on this earth. But I also know she would be so excited for us and that life must continue on. So we will proceed. And my child will hear all types of stories about their precious great grandmother.

update

Well, life and adoption got put on hold for a much more important reason. My precious and wonderful grandmother is on her way to Glory. We don't know when. It's a matter of time. We've been here for three days that we wouldn't see the next day. She is still holding on. She's such a tough woman. So we have been sitting vigil at the hospice now for almost 72 hours. Right now nothing is more important that her. Life is precious and I will probably be sitting here till her final breaths. Bless my momma, today is her birthday and she has been here non stop for over 72 hours, the only one who has not taken a break and left for a while. Granny opened her eyes yesterday and we had a chance to talk to her with her looking at us and bless her she tried to talk to us. She loves us so much and I'm grateful for the chance to return that to her now.

Whoever knew?

Whoever knew that babysitting could be so hard? I don't mean a bad kid that I'm ready to strangle hard. I mean in the makes me want more own kid so bad and feels like my heart is being ripped out. I kept some kids today and when I was leaving one didn't want his mom to come home cause I had to leave. So when I left, he came home with me for a few hours. His brother and sister were not happy that they couldn't come. But, I was in a truck with only one extra seat belt. Anyway, he is the cutest little thing. It's kinda like having one of our own. Fixing his dinner along with my husbands. Watching him play games on the computer. Listening to him having to tell me everything. Oh how it has increased the longing,

I want a baby so bad. I never knew that babysitting would be torture for someone with IF. And fertile people don't understand. I swear if I have to hear one more time... keep my kids and you'll change your mind... or are you sure you want kids? I mean yeah there are some kids who might make you question it.. but is that really an appropriate question for the infertile person? No!

So he pouted when it was time to go home... until I said don't you wanna see your mommy? Then I couldn't drive the 3 mins to their house fast enough. Oh to have a child want to see me that way. I didn't know it could happen....but the longing just got worse.

Momma always said life wasn't fair....

(Fair Warning: This post may be a little TMI)

When you are young you think you know better than your mom... and when you grow up you realize she was right. And sometimes you wish she wasn't. Life isn't fair. I write this laying in the bed with a heating pad, when I should be up and getting ready for church and company. But no. I'm in the bed waiting for the asprin to kick in. (Yeah I know... TMI... oh well). I've said it for months to my husband... I'll say it again here. If I can't get pregnant then I shouldn't be blessed with the joys of womanhood. It's not fair. I'm one of those women who gets those joys without the other joys that come with it. And shocked the fertility doctor.

Life isn't fair... I've heard the Casey Anthony trial, I read an article the other day about a dad who threw his son out of a moving car into cacti only after choking him, there is a couple here accused of child abuse... and yet I CAN'T have kids? Oh but I get the cramps, headaches, and moodiness. Yeah, I don't understand the ways of God sometimes. And this one I doubt that I will ever understand. Even when we adopt, and I'm holding my blessing and even though I understand that may be the way for me... even if I ever get pregnant... I will be scarred and different from these struggles forever.

So now I get to ponder why life is unfair as I go rush to get ready for church because of having to postpone today. I get to struggle through service with a backache. I get to smile with company instead of crawling in the bed with the heating pad. And all the while, inside I'm screaming... Life Isn't Fair! Well I guess momma warned me.

Maybe I shouldn't procrastinate so much....

Another weekend down and the adoption application is still not finished. I'm beginning to think procrastination is not a good thing when going through infertility and adoption. We held off a year on the fertility tests (although we were holding off to lose weight which is a good reason), but see where it got us. Test results are much worse than they were. Motivation isn't the problem... It's trying to figure out where to start with my personal testimony. That and J fell asleep while I was working on it and I needed to ask him a question. Hopefully we can still get everything sent off by Tues.



Been doing a lot of looking on internets, found some sites on FB and on Blogger of other people dealing with the same issues. Nice to know you aren't alone. Had someone ask me today if we were scared to adopt because if they get the "mean gene" there isn't much you can do. Yes, nature plays a part but I think there is a lot to say for nurturing and how you are brought up. And it's not like we are jumping into this without thinking. Trust me there has been plenty of prayer over our decision. But us, along with some trusted others think that this is the route God has for us. Do I always like it? NO! Would I love to have a biological child and be pregnant? Of Course! But it's not about having a biological child or being pregnant, it's about giving love and a home to a child who needs it. Will we run into some problems unique to those who have biological children? Quite possibly... but it will definitely be worth it in the long run. Geez, if I ran away from every difficult thing in my life where would I be now?



I'm really glad that we had talked about adoption and done a lot of research on adoption both before we went to the doctor and the past year. It's making this transition easier. It's still painful to know you will never birth a biological child, but I can carry one in my heart just as well. I just want a child to love.



I came to the realization again last night that as wonderful as FB is... it is also evil. It tends to remind someone with IF that you can't have what you want and everytime I get on somedays it feels like someone else that I went to HS or College with is pregnant.. it can get hard. I can't wait for the day I get to make my declaration.

So spent the weekend researching profiles and started looking for digital scrapbooking software. I found some good profiles that have helped spark my imagination. Starting the picture taking and gathering now. Found a lady I'd love to hire to help with our profile. She does great, and they stand out. However, every spare penny is going into the adoption fund... I don't know if we have it now. Well, that's adoption... but into the agency fund. However, I've gotten some good ideas and I think if I try hard I can figure it out and do it myself. And if not, we will definitely remember to hire her later. I'd really like to do it myself though just to make it personal.

So J is preaching the Sunday Service tomorrow. And my parents are coming. Then a friend and his gf are coming for dinner... so hopefully at some point we will be able to finish the application. If not there is always Monday.

"While I'm Waiting" John Waller(Special Dedication Edition)

Found this today from an adoption website. I guess I hadn't thought of it that way. Even though we are only in the application filling out stage it has still been a waiting game for two years and we are just beginning. I'm having to pray and have trust that God will provide in our needs, cause adoption is quite expensive and I have found a new additional service that though will be additional expense will be much needed and helpful. Isn't it interesting that God gets us right where we need it, but yet gives encouragement and grace right when we need it? Lord help me to be faithful while we wait!

A new diet... new me

Or so I hope. When we first started seeing doctors and what not we both knew we needed to be healthier that it would help with things we were struggling with... (or so we thought). And even though it hasn 't helped we know for our health and quality of life that we needed to do something. So on Tuesday we began South Beach Phase One... which I figure will be the hardest two weeks of my life. No carbs, no sugars, no fun basically. No it's not that bad but it is very restrictive. And eating out at the Mexican restraunt with friends was torture but I was good. No tortillas, no chips, no rice. I got fajitas and ate only the meat and veggies. So it's not too bad especially if you like meat. Day one was so far the toughest... I was babysitting in a house with 2 plates of brownies... and hungry all day. Mind over matter.

We'll see how this works. Jimmy does so much better than I do. He takes it off and gives it to me. Keeps it off. I gain whatever he loses and lose it and gain it back. More of a yo-yo. So I hope this is a life change.

Especially since we are hard and heavy on the adoption track again. Right back where we were at this time last year. It's ironic how things have happened at the same time frame as they did last year. We got the bad news at the same time and everything... but in a way I'm glad that we did because now we have done the research, went through the adoption classes, and chosen the agency. Now I'm just waiting on said agency to get back with me so I can send in the pre-application,. Then the waiting, praying, and paperwork begin.

So maybe with a new diet, a new outlook.. maybe some more new things will happen...

the pain of surrender

The past few days have been hard as once again I have had to surrender my hopes and dreams, what I want. Part of me has had to wonder if becoming a mom has become an idol that God is trying to strip away in my life and in all reality it has in ways. I mean I have my moments, good days when I'm fine and bad days when I'm not... but in those bad days (weeks, months) yes it is an idol. I remember back to college when in church we'd sing a Jason Elam song called strip away which was about God stripping away all that remains of us to be more of Him. There have been times that I regretted praying that prayer though at the time I fully meant it because now I know what it means to be stripped of ourselves. The stripping process is never a pleasant one, but silver is refined through fire and ultimately I know that God has a plan and purpose in it all....

I told a friend last night in a venting session that this hurt worse than the first bad news... because even though it was bad there was still hope and now hope has died. I have struggled the past few days ranging from feelings of being mad at what God has allowed, to be disappointed, to feeling like God has failed me. I have run the gamut. But ultimately I know that whatever He has planned has to be worth the pain of surrender and disappointment. Do I understand it? No. Will I understand it? Maybe maybe not. But it's not about knowing it's about surrendering and trusting that God knows better than I do.

Grace in the moment

So I had decided what I was going to write today, but things have changed so tremendously so many different times today.

I sat in a pd (professional development) today at Central Office trying to force myself to concentrate after hearing news that turns your world upside down. It was a little de ja vu from last year doing the same thing only at that point I was fighting tears all day. I guess with this being the third let down in a year, it doesn't hurt as bad. I was sitting there when I heard God speak to my heart and say you aren't alone, I love you and I feel your pain. This is a big deal for someone who has felt completely alone over the past year, misunderstood for the past 2 years, and like God has decided to ignore her for the past few months. You know God is with you and you know He cares for you, but sometimes the head knowledge and what your heart feels are not the same.

I came home and rewatched my Louie Giglio dvd. I've actually watched parts of it several times since last night and it really brings comfort to me to realize once again that God does feel my pain. He understands, he cares and He is there for me. I remember being in college and having the feeling you were crawsling into the lap of Jesus and crying on his shoulder. Somewhere that feeling left as I grew older, but I can. Just as I can go home to my daddy and cry while he rubs my back and says he understands, I can crawl in the lap of Jesus. He knows, He's been there. This isn't a road that hasn't been traveled. Infertility is covered in the Bible more than once: Abraham and Sarah, Rachel and Jacob, Hannah and Elkaniah, Elizabeth and Zacharias. I've just now joined the countless others who know the pain and heartbreak of lost dreams, shattered desires, and what feels like unanswered prayers (at least they weren't answered the way we wanted them to be).

While watching the dvd I was reminded that though God can change the circumstances and sometimes He does, the cross is proof that He is walking through the circumstances with me and when I can't go on He will give me the stregnth to soar high on Eagle's wings. I am not alone, and there is a Heavenly Father who weeps with me and feels the shattering of my heart. So thankful that He will give me the strength to endure trials and circumstances that I can  not endure on my own, and the grace that is needed within this moment.

Finally blogging....and the journey that brought me here

So I decided to start blogging. Never really figured I'd join, but tonight coming home I decided it was time... and a good way to get out my feelings. I've been talking about journaling for the past year and never did, but I need a way to express my feelings so here it is.

This has been a year of many ups and downs, and one of the main reasons I chose to blog is to describe and journal out the battle of infertility we have been fighting. I chose the title on Eagle's Wings because Isaiah 40:31 is the verse I have been clinging too. One of many. And today when more bad news came (I'll get to that later), it was the immediate verse that came to mind and what my facebook status became. I've struggled with how much to put out in the open and at first kept my facebook status's vague so you only knew what I meant if I wanted you too... but I know how alone I have felt and figure I'm not the only one going through this and feeling alone. (And I promise not to get too in depth with some things so as not to gross anyone out :) So my prayer is that if you are going through this or know someone who is that maybe in somewhere that I gain hope or stregnth you can feel it too. And on top of that it's not exactly secret anymore. So why not?

This journey began over 2 years ago, and from the looks of it; it's not going away anytime soon, unfortunately. We began noticing that something wasn't right about January of last year. A friend suggested charting so we did that arduous chore for 5 months and the longer I charted the more I noticed something didn't seem right. Well sure enough, the first visit with Dr. M. (my doctor) confirmed that. Now the wondorous time of figuring out what is wrong. So we do blood tests and sonograms and to this day we still don't know what it is. It's unexplained infertility, but it's there. Then we find out it's not just me, but we have a double factor. So now we've gone from 40% of people to 15% of couple's. Leave it up to Jimmy and myself to decide we must be different. We were actually blessed in all of this, because a lot of couples go through several months and thousands of dollars to find out what it is or that something is. We went through about one month before we figured out that though still unexplained there was some serious things wrong and we pretty much knew what we were facing from there without going through a lot of extra testing.

So Dr. M sends us to see a uriologist.. Dr. G. Love him. He is hilarious. We find out that we basically have two options, but he is more concerned with Jimmy's weight at this point so we chose to put everything on hold and get that at least somewhat under control. We poured our extra finances into that and really started looking at adoption. There were some serious questions and concerns we had with preceeding with infertility treatments and we wanted to find information on adoption first. Then we moved, and life in general happened and things got put off for longer. We have finally chosen an agency, but if you have ever looked into adoption you can understand what a frustrating process it can be and we recently decided we didn't think we looked into fertility enough and we really wanted a biological baby so after talking to Dr. M. and getting some questions answered we decided to see a reproductive specialist.

Which brings us to today. Today was Dr H, the third one in all of this. We were feeling optimistic especially since Jimmy has lost over 60 pounds in the past year (although we have more to go). Well, that went down the drain within five minutes of our appointment. We had been told that we were good candidates for IUI (or artificial insemination) and a year ago we were, however, things have changed and not in the better (I won't go into that being that it's somewhat personal) but it now appears that IVF (or in vitro) is our only option. We are talking about $11,000 versus $350. Not to mention, I personally have some moral and ethical problems. I feel it might just be a little too close to playing God, not to mention with extra embryo's you may have having to freeze and decide what to do with. And since personally I view it as a human life at the point of conception.... yeah do I really want to freeze my baby? I'm not so sure. So now we are faced once again with some very heavy decisions. Another wait and another let down.

Honestly, if you read this you will probably read a lot of my struggles and there have been many over the past 2 years. A lot of tears have been shed. It was sporadic tonight. I'd be fine, then I'd hear a song and I'd lose it. On the way home, I listened over and over to Matthew West's Strong Enough, and I clung to that promise. Then it was Laura Story's Blessings, and listening to Louie Giglio. But through all that, I have had to remember that though I don't understand the ways of God, though I don't know why He has allowed me to go through this, I can cling to the promise that when I am weary and tired and don't know how to go on He will give me the stregnth to keep going. I don't necessairily like this, ok no I don't like this at all, but God has for whatever reason allowed it and though in my humanity I don't understand it and don't see what good it will do, I can trust in His omnipotence He knows best. This is my journey of healing and understanding.