but it doesn't. Been a depressing few days. We went to the cemetery last week for the first time and it hurt to say the least. Things just seem off kilter. I would think that since it's been a month it wouldn't hurt as bad but in reality it hurts worse. How can that be? I think the finality of everything has set in. When it happened, we were just relieved that she wasn't suffering, but now the finality is setting is. I can't explain in words how much I miss my grandmother. Mom was telling me the other day about my 1 yr old nephew pointing to her picture. He knew who she was and they really enjoyed each other and he points to her even now...and I just broke down. Knowing that my child will never know her sucks. There is no other word for it. It sucks so bad knowing that we've been trying for 2 yrs and were getting ready to start adoption when we decided to take a step back and talk to the fertility doctor.... and now... well now she's not here and it sucks. It makes it all so bittersweet.
I can't explain how much it hurts... and you don't know how to tell anyone that you are really struggling. My poor husband.. he keeps catching the tears. He sees when it is beyond hard. When I walk by the jewlry box she left me and break down. When I see her picture at our wedding and fall apart. I know she is better off... I just miss her so much. I guess with the month approaching us that is what is making it worse. Everytime something is mentioned to do with my nephew or her and babies it just makes it hurt so much more. I prayed that she'd make it to see our child... until I realized she was just suffering and knew it was better for her to go home... I just hope one day it won't hurt so bad. I know I will always miss her.. but this really hurts.
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