The past few days have been hard as once again I have had to surrender my hopes and dreams, what I want. Part of me has had to wonder if becoming a mom has become an idol that God is trying to strip away in my life and in all reality it has in ways. I mean I have my moments, good days when I'm fine and bad days when I'm not... but in those bad days (weeks, months) yes it is an idol. I remember back to college when in church we'd sing a Jason Elam song called strip away which was about God stripping away all that remains of us to be more of Him. There have been times that I regretted praying that prayer though at the time I fully meant it because now I know what it means to be stripped of ourselves. The stripping process is never a pleasant one, but silver is refined through fire and ultimately I know that God has a plan and purpose in it all....
I told a friend last night in a venting session that this hurt worse than the first bad news... because even though it was bad there was still hope and now hope has died. I have struggled the past few days ranging from feelings of being mad at what God has allowed, to be disappointed, to feeling like God has failed me. I have run the gamut. But ultimately I know that whatever He has planned has to be worth the pain of surrender and disappointment. Do I understand it? No. Will I understand it? Maybe maybe not. But it's not about knowing it's about surrendering and trusting that God knows better than I do.
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