Grace in the moment

So I had decided what I was going to write today, but things have changed so tremendously so many different times today.

I sat in a pd (professional development) today at Central Office trying to force myself to concentrate after hearing news that turns your world upside down. It was a little de ja vu from last year doing the same thing only at that point I was fighting tears all day. I guess with this being the third let down in a year, it doesn't hurt as bad. I was sitting there when I heard God speak to my heart and say you aren't alone, I love you and I feel your pain. This is a big deal for someone who has felt completely alone over the past year, misunderstood for the past 2 years, and like God has decided to ignore her for the past few months. You know God is with you and you know He cares for you, but sometimes the head knowledge and what your heart feels are not the same.

I came home and rewatched my Louie Giglio dvd. I've actually watched parts of it several times since last night and it really brings comfort to me to realize once again that God does feel my pain. He understands, he cares and He is there for me. I remember being in college and having the feeling you were crawsling into the lap of Jesus and crying on his shoulder. Somewhere that feeling left as I grew older, but I can. Just as I can go home to my daddy and cry while he rubs my back and says he understands, I can crawl in the lap of Jesus. He knows, He's been there. This isn't a road that hasn't been traveled. Infertility is covered in the Bible more than once: Abraham and Sarah, Rachel and Jacob, Hannah and Elkaniah, Elizabeth and Zacharias. I've just now joined the countless others who know the pain and heartbreak of lost dreams, shattered desires, and what feels like unanswered prayers (at least they weren't answered the way we wanted them to be).

While watching the dvd I was reminded that though God can change the circumstances and sometimes He does, the cross is proof that He is walking through the circumstances with me and when I can't go on He will give me the stregnth to soar high on Eagle's wings. I am not alone, and there is a Heavenly Father who weeps with me and feels the shattering of my heart. So thankful that He will give me the strength to endure trials and circumstances that I can  not endure on my own, and the grace that is needed within this moment.