The pre-app is done!!!!

Wohoo! Finally the adoption pre-app is done. Well the actual pre-application was done a week ago. This is the testimony, statement of faith that goes with it. It sounds bad but getting it done was hard. Mainly because it was very stressful emotionally and just making yourself set aside time to do so. So hopefully we will know something within two weeks! Now it's time to pray, pray, and pray some more that we are accepted!

My dad told me when I got married..."Ashley, you used to never spend money. You saved everything. What's up now? You don't want a car! You NEED a car! Save some of the money from the wedding for a car." Well daddy would be proud. My cheapskate-ness has come back. Big time. Nothing like saving for an adoption to make you a tightwad. I don't wanna spend nothing. Getting stuff for the start back to school last night and had to get a belt and didn't wanna spend so much money... tried to put the belt back and Jimmy went... some things can't be helped.. you HAVE to have one! I don't want to spend more than I have to. Went back to school shopping on the tax free days and I wouldn't by ANYTHING that wasn't 70% off or more. I bought over 200 dollars worth of clothing for 60. Yeah it's back in a major way. I want to save every penny we have for it.

Which makes me stress. I stress about the money I spend, or the money I need to spend, I stress over whether or not we will even make it through the application process. Will we be chosen. Will I be a good mother? Yeah I have been stressing bad. Then I stressed because I forgot that I had Sunday School and wasn't ready. And boy does God put things right in front of us when we need it. The Sunday School lesson was on how Jesus came to earth as a baby and grew up and that though He was God... he was also man. He needed the same things we need and dealt with the same temptations that we deal with. I know God understands my pain, but sometimes I forget that although He is diving and perfect, He really has been there. He came to earth for that very reason, to be the perfect judge because He has been tempted. Even He in the Garden of Gethsemane asked God to remove the cup from Him. But then He followed up with "Not My will but Thine be done." I think a lot of times we see God as the perfect Human. God with the body of a man. Not as someone who cried the same tears we do. Who asked God to change our circumstances. But as Louie Giglio says..."The cross is not proof that God will change the circumstances, He didn't change them for Jesus on Calvary. The cross is proof that God will see us THROUGH the circumstances." Oh thank God for the cross and to know I'm not walking this alone.

so freaking out

So yeah I should be in the bed. Once again I am not gonna wanna wake up in the morning. However, I know that are pre-app with the agency really needs to be complete so I can send it off and I really wanna get my testimony done. Well not done, but done enough that I can edit tomorrow. It is soooo stressing me out. So much rides on this. I can not explain. I may have the gift of gab, but expressing my feelings and thoughts coherently when it's late and I'm terrified that what I write will not be recieved correctly and all my dreams ride on it... yeah it's a little stressful! Ok, no it's a lotta stressful. I'm gonna have to get on hubby and make him finish his. I would say I don't know why he hasn't, but he's probably stressing a bit over it too. Not much, stressing is generally my job. But, I'm gonna have to make him write it because it's a big part of the pre-app and it won't be accepted till we get it in. So I guess I need to write it. I just feel like it's all jumbled and not making sense, but then I'm not making sense now so I guess it would stand to reason. Ugh. I'm going in circles. Maybe I should make myself go to bed and PROMISE myself that I WILL complete it tomorrow.

I Would Die For That

I've been in a funk... a major funk. And because of that I am snippy as in PMS snippy just without the PMS. You know I used to fancy myself one of those lucky girls... I had awesome periods.. 2 days and DONE! Sweet... now I realize what no one was smart enough to realize it was the sign to the problem maybe not so awesome after all. So yeah since Sunday in a funk. They come around quite often. Particularly when you feel misunderstood or when 500 FB posts pop up of births and people expecting. And ironically... both have been happening. I have begun to think FB is evil and was made to torture me and remind me what I don't have. But oh well, I'm not stopping using it because I like keeping contact with my friends. It's rough when you feel misunderstood when no one seems to understand. I've found some fb communities though that are for infertiles or people who know infertiles and that helps. It's nice to have a support group. Fixing to find me some adoption groups.



On to the good news.... Got the adoption pre-app sent off!!!! Yay! Got a few more things that go with it but have to be mailed versuses online so not completely finished but at least started. Now praying that we aren't rejected. I know everyone says oh you'll be such great parents...no need to worry... but when your fate lies in the hands of someone else or several people as is our case yeah how can you not worry? Gotta finish my testimony which is no light testimony so that's gonna take a bit. Been difficult with the fact that I have been in such a funk. I didn't want to do anything... kept bogging down afraid I wouldn't say what they wanted to hear. It's sooooo stinking stressful. And people think adoption is the cure all.. yes hopefully we will become parents and that is the end not just being pregnant but the fact that your fate is in someone else's hands is soooo stressful. So fixing to work on our profile which people are like that's all you think of... well if you knew that your one chance to be a mom was in your chance to show people why you'd be a great parent to their child and them selecting you...well it'd be all you thought of too. It's interesting no one tells pregnant women that all they talk about is being pregnant... but on the flip side if you are adopting they forget that it is our pregnancy and a much longer one than 9 months (so please stop complaining about your wait!) so yes it is the forefront of my mind.

I'll know something within two weeks... so I sit on pins and needles till then.

Double Standards

Yeah so I'm at a low point today. Go figure... They come around often. Yesterday I came across this FB status that I HAD to copy. HAD to. It was funny and I figured I'll never make a pregnancy announcement and have to read everyone elses so Why not? Make a little fun at myself and go on with life. Here was the status...

 "WE ARE EXPECTING! !!!! I know, I know really cant believe it, pretty crazy isn't it?? I really don't want to believe it myself. I wasn't going to put it on here, because it will be obvious soon enough, but thought I needed to make it official. So now you know, its official. We are EXPECTING another hot day today! Wait! What did you think I meant?? LOL! Hahahaha GOTCHA!!!!!!"

Yeah... so not recieved well... My sis thought it was hilarious (I knew I loved you for a reason) Two friends thought it was a great joke and were glad I could joke about it.... but Yeah I've been called cruel and mean and told that it was JUST Wrong! Why? Other people make fun of my infertility... per say. I get inappropriate comments all the time. When ya'll gonna have one? Well, at least you tried fertility treatments! Here have my kids... hahahaha. Keep mine it's good birth control you'll change your mind... hahaahaha. Relax and it'll happen... when God wants you to have one you will... When you get approved for the adoption....

But I can't have fun with it? I feel like If I have to read 500 different statuses about pregnancy and baby pictures and such not per a month... why shouldn't I get to have a little fun with a status of my own?

Which by the way...I had to read another one today by someone who has been married for less time than we've been trying. I think that FB is there to torture me... to remind me of what I can't have. The world is out there to torture and remind infertiles what we can't have. People don't understand what I feel or go through and most don't care to try... however I'm supposed to put on my happy face and congratulate you. There was a dear Abby post about someone thinking it not right that a couple was thinking of having a benefit to fund their adoption...called it a choice! I do not choose to be infertile!!!! It's not like it's an active decision. I understand if you live paycheck to pay check and don't or can't contribute... but don't judge me for wanting a family. No one thinks twice about sending you a baby shower invite and you having to spend your hard earned saving for adoption/infertlity money for their baby gift...but shame on you for asking for a little help to get what you want/need.

Ugh.. the double standards we live in.

Home Sweet Home

So the name has a double entrede this week. My grandmother is now home with Jesus. It has been a long and emotionally tiring week. On Monday at 12:02 she finally breathed her last breath and went peacefully home to Glory. As much as I miss her, I am so glad that she is in Heaven and resting peacefully, no longer suffering. This week we have literally been "On Eagle's Wings" as we have been lifted up in prayer by people we didn't even know, recieved lots of thoughts and prayers, and the presence of many people to support us during our loss. We rejoice that she is in the presence of our Savior and that she suffers from pain no more. We will be eternally grateful to the nurses at the Hospice and to the friends and family who have been there for us.

We came home today. My mom was doing better than expected so we decided to come home. Trying to get at least a sense of normalcy back, but my body is still in decompress mode so we didn't do much today. It's taking all I have to even cook supper. Tomorrow I have to go get my classroom started and eventually done... so back to life it is. Hopefully this weekend we can get the application finished, as painful as it will be since I know that my grandmother will never see my child. It really hurts after trying for 2 years and nothing and now I know she will never meet them on this earth. But I also know she would be so excited for us and that life must continue on. So we will proceed. And my child will hear all types of stories about their precious great grandmother.

update

Well, life and adoption got put on hold for a much more important reason. My precious and wonderful grandmother is on her way to Glory. We don't know when. It's a matter of time. We've been here for three days that we wouldn't see the next day. She is still holding on. She's such a tough woman. So we have been sitting vigil at the hospice now for almost 72 hours. Right now nothing is more important that her. Life is precious and I will probably be sitting here till her final breaths. Bless my momma, today is her birthday and she has been here non stop for over 72 hours, the only one who has not taken a break and left for a while. Granny opened her eyes yesterday and we had a chance to talk to her with her looking at us and bless her she tried to talk to us. She loves us so much and I'm grateful for the chance to return that to her now.

Whoever knew?

Whoever knew that babysitting could be so hard? I don't mean a bad kid that I'm ready to strangle hard. I mean in the makes me want more own kid so bad and feels like my heart is being ripped out. I kept some kids today and when I was leaving one didn't want his mom to come home cause I had to leave. So when I left, he came home with me for a few hours. His brother and sister were not happy that they couldn't come. But, I was in a truck with only one extra seat belt. Anyway, he is the cutest little thing. It's kinda like having one of our own. Fixing his dinner along with my husbands. Watching him play games on the computer. Listening to him having to tell me everything. Oh how it has increased the longing,

I want a baby so bad. I never knew that babysitting would be torture for someone with IF. And fertile people don't understand. I swear if I have to hear one more time... keep my kids and you'll change your mind... or are you sure you want kids? I mean yeah there are some kids who might make you question it.. but is that really an appropriate question for the infertile person? No!

So he pouted when it was time to go home... until I said don't you wanna see your mommy? Then I couldn't drive the 3 mins to their house fast enough. Oh to have a child want to see me that way. I didn't know it could happen....but the longing just got worse.

Momma always said life wasn't fair....

(Fair Warning: This post may be a little TMI)

When you are young you think you know better than your mom... and when you grow up you realize she was right. And sometimes you wish she wasn't. Life isn't fair. I write this laying in the bed with a heating pad, when I should be up and getting ready for church and company. But no. I'm in the bed waiting for the asprin to kick in. (Yeah I know... TMI... oh well). I've said it for months to my husband... I'll say it again here. If I can't get pregnant then I shouldn't be blessed with the joys of womanhood. It's not fair. I'm one of those women who gets those joys without the other joys that come with it. And shocked the fertility doctor.

Life isn't fair... I've heard the Casey Anthony trial, I read an article the other day about a dad who threw his son out of a moving car into cacti only after choking him, there is a couple here accused of child abuse... and yet I CAN'T have kids? Oh but I get the cramps, headaches, and moodiness. Yeah, I don't understand the ways of God sometimes. And this one I doubt that I will ever understand. Even when we adopt, and I'm holding my blessing and even though I understand that may be the way for me... even if I ever get pregnant... I will be scarred and different from these struggles forever.

So now I get to ponder why life is unfair as I go rush to get ready for church because of having to postpone today. I get to struggle through service with a backache. I get to smile with company instead of crawling in the bed with the heating pad. And all the while, inside I'm screaming... Life Isn't Fair! Well I guess momma warned me.

Maybe I shouldn't procrastinate so much....

Another weekend down and the adoption application is still not finished. I'm beginning to think procrastination is not a good thing when going through infertility and adoption. We held off a year on the fertility tests (although we were holding off to lose weight which is a good reason), but see where it got us. Test results are much worse than they were. Motivation isn't the problem... It's trying to figure out where to start with my personal testimony. That and J fell asleep while I was working on it and I needed to ask him a question. Hopefully we can still get everything sent off by Tues.



Been doing a lot of looking on internets, found some sites on FB and on Blogger of other people dealing with the same issues. Nice to know you aren't alone. Had someone ask me today if we were scared to adopt because if they get the "mean gene" there isn't much you can do. Yes, nature plays a part but I think there is a lot to say for nurturing and how you are brought up. And it's not like we are jumping into this without thinking. Trust me there has been plenty of prayer over our decision. But us, along with some trusted others think that this is the route God has for us. Do I always like it? NO! Would I love to have a biological child and be pregnant? Of Course! But it's not about having a biological child or being pregnant, it's about giving love and a home to a child who needs it. Will we run into some problems unique to those who have biological children? Quite possibly... but it will definitely be worth it in the long run. Geez, if I ran away from every difficult thing in my life where would I be now?



I'm really glad that we had talked about adoption and done a lot of research on adoption both before we went to the doctor and the past year. It's making this transition easier. It's still painful to know you will never birth a biological child, but I can carry one in my heart just as well. I just want a child to love.



I came to the realization again last night that as wonderful as FB is... it is also evil. It tends to remind someone with IF that you can't have what you want and everytime I get on somedays it feels like someone else that I went to HS or College with is pregnant.. it can get hard. I can't wait for the day I get to make my declaration.

So spent the weekend researching profiles and started looking for digital scrapbooking software. I found some good profiles that have helped spark my imagination. Starting the picture taking and gathering now. Found a lady I'd love to hire to help with our profile. She does great, and they stand out. However, every spare penny is going into the adoption fund... I don't know if we have it now. Well, that's adoption... but into the agency fund. However, I've gotten some good ideas and I think if I try hard I can figure it out and do it myself. And if not, we will definitely remember to hire her later. I'd really like to do it myself though just to make it personal.

So J is preaching the Sunday Service tomorrow. And my parents are coming. Then a friend and his gf are coming for dinner... so hopefully at some point we will be able to finish the application. If not there is always Monday.

"While I'm Waiting" John Waller(Special Dedication Edition)

Found this today from an adoption website. I guess I hadn't thought of it that way. Even though we are only in the application filling out stage it has still been a waiting game for two years and we are just beginning. I'm having to pray and have trust that God will provide in our needs, cause adoption is quite expensive and I have found a new additional service that though will be additional expense will be much needed and helpful. Isn't it interesting that God gets us right where we need it, but yet gives encouragement and grace right when we need it? Lord help me to be faithful while we wait!

A new diet... new me

Or so I hope. When we first started seeing doctors and what not we both knew we needed to be healthier that it would help with things we were struggling with... (or so we thought). And even though it hasn 't helped we know for our health and quality of life that we needed to do something. So on Tuesday we began South Beach Phase One... which I figure will be the hardest two weeks of my life. No carbs, no sugars, no fun basically. No it's not that bad but it is very restrictive. And eating out at the Mexican restraunt with friends was torture but I was good. No tortillas, no chips, no rice. I got fajitas and ate only the meat and veggies. So it's not too bad especially if you like meat. Day one was so far the toughest... I was babysitting in a house with 2 plates of brownies... and hungry all day. Mind over matter.

We'll see how this works. Jimmy does so much better than I do. He takes it off and gives it to me. Keeps it off. I gain whatever he loses and lose it and gain it back. More of a yo-yo. So I hope this is a life change.

Especially since we are hard and heavy on the adoption track again. Right back where we were at this time last year. It's ironic how things have happened at the same time frame as they did last year. We got the bad news at the same time and everything... but in a way I'm glad that we did because now we have done the research, went through the adoption classes, and chosen the agency. Now I'm just waiting on said agency to get back with me so I can send in the pre-application,. Then the waiting, praying, and paperwork begin.

So maybe with a new diet, a new outlook.. maybe some more new things will happen...

the pain of surrender

The past few days have been hard as once again I have had to surrender my hopes and dreams, what I want. Part of me has had to wonder if becoming a mom has become an idol that God is trying to strip away in my life and in all reality it has in ways. I mean I have my moments, good days when I'm fine and bad days when I'm not... but in those bad days (weeks, months) yes it is an idol. I remember back to college when in church we'd sing a Jason Elam song called strip away which was about God stripping away all that remains of us to be more of Him. There have been times that I regretted praying that prayer though at the time I fully meant it because now I know what it means to be stripped of ourselves. The stripping process is never a pleasant one, but silver is refined through fire and ultimately I know that God has a plan and purpose in it all....

I told a friend last night in a venting session that this hurt worse than the first bad news... because even though it was bad there was still hope and now hope has died. I have struggled the past few days ranging from feelings of being mad at what God has allowed, to be disappointed, to feeling like God has failed me. I have run the gamut. But ultimately I know that whatever He has planned has to be worth the pain of surrender and disappointment. Do I understand it? No. Will I understand it? Maybe maybe not. But it's not about knowing it's about surrendering and trusting that God knows better than I do.