this is the hard part

Waiting.. just waiting. Can't go forward yet. Not to much to do except wait. And not spend money... which is getting old  because we can't do anything! Still apprehensive on whether or not they will accept us. Worried about our debt. We shall see we shall see. So it's just the waiting part.

Talked to the insurance guy today. Got ill with him bad. I started to be rude. Sometimes life just seems so unbalanced and fair. Hubby couldn't get insurance because of his weight. Lost the weight now he can't get insurance because he was denied earlier for his weight. Ugh! Then I found out (which I figured) that my disability leave will not cover an adoption. I understand I'm not sick...but I still have to take a maternity leave. I can't help I can't get pregnant. I upped it just for that reason. Why am I paying you 55 bucks a month if you won't let me use it when I need to. UGHHHH. Yeah I got snippy over it. Can't help I can't get pregnant you know... if I could... well I would already have a baby and maybe another on the way. Why is it so much harder to adopt????

a new one to the list

So I've talked about the things that fertile people say to infertile people that hurts or wounds albeit it unintentionally. I have found a new one. Sitting at my preachers house last night watching his 3 kids and another one and one got in trouble for hitting... and he looks at me smiles and says just wait. Does it all the time. "Just Wait.... one day it will be you". Yeah I hope so! It's said in a "One day you will wait and see" type of way that feels like "You may wish you didn't wish for this", although I don't think it's meant that way. Yeah right now I'd love that. Because with the discipline and trouble that comes you also get the snuggles and "I love you" that I'd give my right arm for. Is it gonna be all roses and awesome all the time? Of course not... but I feel like the good outweighs the bad. Heck I've been waiting for over 2 years... 26 months to the day to be exact. And I have another 2 good years ahead of me. And people think waiting for 9 months is rough! If they only knew!!!!! Right now I don't think I'd complain over morning sickness, or not sleeping, or even an occasional temper tantrum. I don't think I'd ever appreciate those things however if I hadn't gone through this. So yeah... I can't wait... one day... hopefully.

I thought time made it better

but it doesn't. Been a depressing few days. We went to the cemetery last week for the first time and it hurt to say the least. Things just seem off kilter. I would think that since it's been a month it wouldn't hurt as bad but in reality it hurts worse. How can that be? I think the finality of everything has set in. When it happened, we were just relieved that she wasn't suffering, but now the finality is setting is. I can't explain in words how much I miss my grandmother. Mom was telling me the other day about my 1 yr old nephew pointing to her picture. He knew who she was and they really enjoyed each other and he points to her even now...and I just broke down. Knowing that my child will never know her sucks. There is no other word for it. It sucks so bad knowing that we've been trying for 2 yrs and were getting ready to start adoption when we decided to take a step back and talk to the fertility doctor.... and now... well now she's not here and it sucks. It makes it all so bittersweet.

I can't explain how much it hurts... and you don't know how to tell anyone that you are really struggling. My poor husband.. he keeps catching the tears. He sees when it is beyond hard. When I walk by the jewlry box she left me and break down. When I see her picture at our wedding and fall apart. I know she is better off... I just miss her so much. I guess with the month approaching us that is what is making it worse. Everytime something is mentioned to do with my nephew or her and babies it just makes it hurt so much more. I prayed that she'd make it to see our child... until I realized she was just suffering and knew it was better for her to go home... I just hope one day it won't hurt so bad. I know I will always miss her.. but this really hurts.

The journey of 1000 miles begins with one step

And step one has been taken and approved!!!!! Cannot begin to say how estatic we are to hear that our pre-app was approved and we go to step 2. Step three is the step I am afraid of but it's nice to have made the first one! I think it's just a relief to finally be started. Step two is an info meeting and the next one is in Oct... so we have a few months to wait. Gonna work on building the savings and diminishing the debt. So basically if it can't be lived without we buy it.. if so we don't. But gonna work on that. Then it's on to the BIG application the formal one. That's the one I'm scared of. Honestly more scared of it than the homestudy! I know, kinda weird. Anyway... it's nice to know we made step one!!!!! Our journey has begun.