So I had decided what I was going to write today, but things have changed so tremendously so many different times today.
I sat in a pd (professional development) today at Central Office trying to force myself to concentrate after hearing news that turns your world upside down. It was a little de ja vu from last year doing the same thing only at that point I was fighting tears all day. I guess with this being the third let down in a year, it doesn't hurt as bad. I was sitting there when I heard God speak to my heart and say you aren't alone, I love you and I feel your pain. This is a big deal for someone who has felt completely alone over the past year, misunderstood for the past 2 years, and like God has decided to ignore her for the past few months. You know God is with you and you know He cares for you, but sometimes the head knowledge and what your heart feels are not the same.
I came home and rewatched my Louie Giglio dvd. I've actually watched parts of it several times since last night and it really brings comfort to me to realize once again that God does feel my pain. He understands, he cares and He is there for me. I remember being in college and having the feeling you were crawsling into the lap of Jesus and crying on his shoulder. Somewhere that feeling left as I grew older, but I can. Just as I can go home to my daddy and cry while he rubs my back and says he understands, I can crawl in the lap of Jesus. He knows, He's been there. This isn't a road that hasn't been traveled. Infertility is covered in the Bible more than once: Abraham and Sarah, Rachel and Jacob, Hannah and Elkaniah, Elizabeth and Zacharias. I've just now joined the countless others who know the pain and heartbreak of lost dreams, shattered desires, and what feels like unanswered prayers (at least they weren't answered the way we wanted them to be).
While watching the dvd I was reminded that though God can change the circumstances and sometimes He does, the cross is proof that He is walking through the circumstances with me and when I can't go on He will give me the stregnth to soar high on Eagle's wings. I am not alone, and there is a Heavenly Father who weeps with me and feels the shattering of my heart. So thankful that He will give me the strength to endure trials and circumstances that I can not endure on my own, and the grace that is needed within this moment.
Wednesday, June 29, 2011
Tuesday, June 28, 2011
Finally blogging....and the journey that brought me here
So I decided to start blogging. Never really figured I'd join, but tonight coming home I decided it was time... and a good way to get out my feelings. I've been talking about journaling for the past year and never did, but I need a way to express my feelings so here it is.
This has been a year of many ups and downs, and one of the main reasons I chose to blog is to describe and journal out the battle of infertility we have been fighting. I chose the title on Eagle's Wings because Isaiah 40:31 is the verse I have been clinging too. One of many. And today when more bad news came (I'll get to that later), it was the immediate verse that came to mind and what my facebook status became. I've struggled with how much to put out in the open and at first kept my facebook status's vague so you only knew what I meant if I wanted you too... but I know how alone I have felt and figure I'm not the only one going through this and feeling alone. (And I promise not to get too in depth with some things so as not to gross anyone out :) So my prayer is that if you are going through this or know someone who is that maybe in somewhere that I gain hope or stregnth you can feel it too. And on top of that it's not exactly secret anymore. So why not?
This journey began over 2 years ago, and from the looks of it; it's not going away anytime soon, unfortunately. We began noticing that something wasn't right about January of last year. A friend suggested charting so we did that arduous chore for 5 months and the longer I charted the more I noticed something didn't seem right. Well sure enough, the first visit with Dr. M. (my doctor) confirmed that. Now the wondorous time of figuring out what is wrong. So we do blood tests and sonograms and to this day we still don't know what it is. It's unexplained infertility, but it's there. Then we find out it's not just me, but we have a double factor. So now we've gone from 40% of people to 15% of couple's. Leave it up to Jimmy and myself to decide we must be different. We were actually blessed in all of this, because a lot of couples go through several months and thousands of dollars to find out what it is or that something is. We went through about one month before we figured out that though still unexplained there was some serious things wrong and we pretty much knew what we were facing from there without going through a lot of extra testing.
So Dr. M sends us to see a uriologist.. Dr. G. Love him. He is hilarious. We find out that we basically have two options, but he is more concerned with Jimmy's weight at this point so we chose to put everything on hold and get that at least somewhat under control. We poured our extra finances into that and really started looking at adoption. There were some serious questions and concerns we had with preceeding with infertility treatments and we wanted to find information on adoption first. Then we moved, and life in general happened and things got put off for longer. We have finally chosen an agency, but if you have ever looked into adoption you can understand what a frustrating process it can be and we recently decided we didn't think we looked into fertility enough and we really wanted a biological baby so after talking to Dr. M. and getting some questions answered we decided to see a reproductive specialist.
Which brings us to today. Today was Dr H, the third one in all of this. We were feeling optimistic especially since Jimmy has lost over 60 pounds in the past year (although we have more to go). Well, that went down the drain within five minutes of our appointment. We had been told that we were good candidates for IUI (or artificial insemination) and a year ago we were, however, things have changed and not in the better (I won't go into that being that it's somewhat personal) but it now appears that IVF (or in vitro) is our only option. We are talking about $11,000 versus $350. Not to mention, I personally have some moral and ethical problems. I feel it might just be a little too close to playing God, not to mention with extra embryo's you may have having to freeze and decide what to do with. And since personally I view it as a human life at the point of conception.... yeah do I really want to freeze my baby? I'm not so sure. So now we are faced once again with some very heavy decisions. Another wait and another let down.
Honestly, if you read this you will probably read a lot of my struggles and there have been many over the past 2 years. A lot of tears have been shed. It was sporadic tonight. I'd be fine, then I'd hear a song and I'd lose it. On the way home, I listened over and over to Matthew West's Strong Enough, and I clung to that promise. Then it was Laura Story's Blessings, and listening to Louie Giglio. But through all that, I have had to remember that though I don't understand the ways of God, though I don't know why He has allowed me to go through this, I can cling to the promise that when I am weary and tired and don't know how to go on He will give me the stregnth to keep going. I don't necessairily like this, ok no I don't like this at all, but God has for whatever reason allowed it and though in my humanity I don't understand it and don't see what good it will do, I can trust in His omnipotence He knows best. This is my journey of healing and understanding.
This has been a year of many ups and downs, and one of the main reasons I chose to blog is to describe and journal out the battle of infertility we have been fighting. I chose the title on Eagle's Wings because Isaiah 40:31 is the verse I have been clinging too. One of many. And today when more bad news came (I'll get to that later), it was the immediate verse that came to mind and what my facebook status became. I've struggled with how much to put out in the open and at first kept my facebook status's vague so you only knew what I meant if I wanted you too... but I know how alone I have felt and figure I'm not the only one going through this and feeling alone. (And I promise not to get too in depth with some things so as not to gross anyone out :) So my prayer is that if you are going through this or know someone who is that maybe in somewhere that I gain hope or stregnth you can feel it too. And on top of that it's not exactly secret anymore. So why not?
This journey began over 2 years ago, and from the looks of it; it's not going away anytime soon, unfortunately. We began noticing that something wasn't right about January of last year. A friend suggested charting so we did that arduous chore for 5 months and the longer I charted the more I noticed something didn't seem right. Well sure enough, the first visit with Dr. M. (my doctor) confirmed that. Now the wondorous time of figuring out what is wrong. So we do blood tests and sonograms and to this day we still don't know what it is. It's unexplained infertility, but it's there. Then we find out it's not just me, but we have a double factor. So now we've gone from 40% of people to 15% of couple's. Leave it up to Jimmy and myself to decide we must be different. We were actually blessed in all of this, because a lot of couples go through several months and thousands of dollars to find out what it is or that something is. We went through about one month before we figured out that though still unexplained there was some serious things wrong and we pretty much knew what we were facing from there without going through a lot of extra testing.
So Dr. M sends us to see a uriologist.. Dr. G. Love him. He is hilarious. We find out that we basically have two options, but he is more concerned with Jimmy's weight at this point so we chose to put everything on hold and get that at least somewhat under control. We poured our extra finances into that and really started looking at adoption. There were some serious questions and concerns we had with preceeding with infertility treatments and we wanted to find information on adoption first. Then we moved, and life in general happened and things got put off for longer. We have finally chosen an agency, but if you have ever looked into adoption you can understand what a frustrating process it can be and we recently decided we didn't think we looked into fertility enough and we really wanted a biological baby so after talking to Dr. M. and getting some questions answered we decided to see a reproductive specialist.
Which brings us to today. Today was Dr H, the third one in all of this. We were feeling optimistic especially since Jimmy has lost over 60 pounds in the past year (although we have more to go). Well, that went down the drain within five minutes of our appointment. We had been told that we were good candidates for IUI (or artificial insemination) and a year ago we were, however, things have changed and not in the better (I won't go into that being that it's somewhat personal) but it now appears that IVF (or in vitro) is our only option. We are talking about $11,000 versus $350. Not to mention, I personally have some moral and ethical problems. I feel it might just be a little too close to playing God, not to mention with extra embryo's you may have having to freeze and decide what to do with. And since personally I view it as a human life at the point of conception.... yeah do I really want to freeze my baby? I'm not so sure. So now we are faced once again with some very heavy decisions. Another wait and another let down.
Honestly, if you read this you will probably read a lot of my struggles and there have been many over the past 2 years. A lot of tears have been shed. It was sporadic tonight. I'd be fine, then I'd hear a song and I'd lose it. On the way home, I listened over and over to Matthew West's Strong Enough, and I clung to that promise. Then it was Laura Story's Blessings, and listening to Louie Giglio. But through all that, I have had to remember that though I don't understand the ways of God, though I don't know why He has allowed me to go through this, I can cling to the promise that when I am weary and tired and don't know how to go on He will give me the stregnth to keep going. I don't necessairily like this, ok no I don't like this at all, but God has for whatever reason allowed it and though in my humanity I don't understand it and don't see what good it will do, I can trust in His omnipotence He knows best. This is my journey of healing and understanding.
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