Yeah my tag under my blog name says grace and acceptance... I haven't felt very graceful or accepting for the past few days.
Yesterday went to a birthday party for my Pastor's soon to be 4 yr old. The same one who melts my heart when we keep him. Who I could just snatch up and adopt. The same one who told me last week he wanted me and hubby to be his new mommy and daddy. That one. Yeah. Of course the meltdowns due to not having much of a nap helped... But yeah not exactly easy. Then in the midst of this I get to hear it said how hard it is to be a full time parent and there is debate over this... but I swear I heard "Sometimes I wish I wasn't a full time parent" Maybe that wasn't verbatim and just how it felt and as my mom said I tend to be extra sensitive... it's possible... but regardless of which statement was said it hurt... and then when I said something I'm told oh just wait you have much passion but no experience. Do you know what I'd give for experience???? I'd give my eye teeth! Seriously!?!?!? And it was pretty much laughed off as a just you wait until you are there... So not appropriate. Which then leads me to think that if I ever did get stressed I better keep my big mouth shut so it's not rubbed in my face.
Sometimes I wish people would think about what they say in front of me. Yeah maybe I am sensitive. You know what? In my case, I'd think that'd be understandable. But it's not. Such a double standard. I'm expected to be thrilled and happy for others. I'm expected to take remarks that are inappropriate regardless of how they are meant and accept them even when they hurt. I'm expected to fake like I'm excited for others and never show the pain in my heart. And I'm expected not to share my hurt with others. Really? I'm not wonderwoman. Maybe I should buy a cape and some spandex and it'd at least make me feel better. But yeah that's a scary thought in and of itself.
Then today I figure out that a girl I have known literally since she was born is pregnant. And now a girl that I work with. Yeah. Not doing so hot right now. It's not that I'm not happy for them... it's that I hurt so much I don't know how to be happy right now. It a not so gentle reminder of what I cannot experience. Today is one of those days I wonder why I can't just delete my FB account... but no I'm too addicted. So now more friends to see pics of baby bumps and read posts about morning sickness and such. And because I really do care about my friends and am happy for them and in ways I feel like a glutton for punishment and sadistic I will read them, and look at all the pics, and say all the right things and in ways make it worse for myself.
Is it really wrong to be jealous? There have been some comments made on some of the infertility groups about being bitter and envious... but is it really that wrong? I want nothing more than to be a mommy... and I can't have that. I don't get to make the I'm pregnant announcement or any of that. How do people expect that not to hurt? It's at the heart of most people... and I'm denied a basic right of life! It SUCKS! There are no other words for it.
So today took furniture to my brother and while I was at my mom's... we get into a discussion of all this. And of it all one of the main was the adoption. My brother as well as some other people are not thrilled at our decision to open the adoption to include bi-racial. Yeah I hate to say that.. but it's how it is. And I understand their concerns that they are "looking out for us" and that we live in a highly racially motivated state and what will come with it. I know what friends with bi-racial kids go through. We have thought this through. I'm not one to go into something without analyzing it to death anyway. How does my family forget that? It's one of the things that drives them crazy! I know that living in the deep south will not make it easy. I also know that if it's where God leads then He will work it out. I also know that those children need a home just as much as any other child. I don't know where God is leading us right now... and I am scared to death. Scared that we won't get accepted. Scared we won't make the right decision. Scared that I won't make a good parent. Scared that we will never have our own. Scared that someone isn't gonna like our decisions.
Yes, I admitted it to my mother. I AM A CONTROL FREAK! Not about everything... not about other people... but I plan my life out in advance. I get upset if it doesn't go according to plan. I like to have control over my life. And this kills me. I have no control. Not even a smidge. Someone else tells me how much money to have in the bank, what shape my house has to be in, and a lot of other details of my life. Someone else decides if we are acceptable to be parents. And someone else decides whether or not to give us a child. I am literally at several people's mercy. I can do nothing about it. And I am scared that I will fall short.
I don't have what some people have to give. Mom kept saying God is in control and he can provide and do miracles and such and such. Yes He can. But just because He can doesn't mean He will. He could wipe my debt out so it's not a problem. Doesn't mean he's gonna. Heck, he could heal our problems so we have a baby.... doesn't mean He's gonna. I get tired of hearing that from her. It's like it's her fall back on everything. Ashley, you don't trust enough... God still makes miracles. He sure does.... but I don't see any promises that He will perform miracles.
Maybe I'm not trusting. Maybe I am being controlling and need to give it up... she kept saying turn it over turn it over... giving it over isn't the problem... I can let go.. it's the not picking it back up that is a struggle! I feel like she doesn't understand. heck I don't feel like anyone understands right now. I'm not a hundred percent sure that hubby does. He doesn't understand why I hurt the way I do. He doesn't understand why I think some of the things I do about this all. I feel so stinking misunderstood and so stinking alone. Sometimes it feels like I can't do anything right. yeah I know... heard that today too... don't worry about what everyone else thinks... you're making yourself sick over it. Right before and after and between being questioned on whether I had thought all this through. Before Fetal Alcohol Syndrome was brought up. Really do ya'll not know me... I don't even order dinner without rationalizing it till it's dead... do you think I'd make a decision this big without thinking it through? And then they wonder why I worry about what others think. And they wonder why I am scared freaking to death.
When what I really need is not to be questioned...but for support. At least from my family. I get enough of the other from everyone else. And if this is the road we choose I will definitely be dealing with a huge lack of support. I need it from them. Maybe it wouldn't be so hard in the mean time. Always in the back of my mind. Maybe I wouldn't feel the constant need to defend my decisions.
I just hate that they act like I haven't prayed about this. ThatI don't trust God in this. That I haven't thought about this. Any of it. And people wonder why I freaked out and decided to go to the RE when I did. Hmmmmm.
Don't get me wrong.. I love my family. And I think when it's all said and done they will be accepting. And maybe if I quit feeling the need to talk about my decision which is unfortunately how I process things... by talking (if that isn't obvious by this very long blog), maybe they will realize that I really feel like this is the path God is leading us on. I don't know why. And He hasn't felt the need to share that with me. But as I told hubby... I feel like we are on the path to being a "blended" family. We both want to go international at some point. It just seems that we aren't meant to be "traditional".
Speaking of the RE. We were supposed to go back for more testing this month. Decided not too. Can't handle more bad news. Don't want my hopes dashed... not that I think they can get much lower. Don't want to waste money that is needed for the adoption. Figure at this point it's gonna take a miracle and so if that's the case it's just gonna have to happen...not paying the dr that much money to tell me that.
So yeah... now that I ranted and realized just how hurt I was when I began typing and it was worse than I thought...maybe now I can go to sleep.
(PS for the 2 family members that follow... I really do love the family... just been a really hard day emotionally)
